YoungPrince of Nlocnil
This story comes from a true legend repeated throughout the kingdom of WesVirgin, especially the shire of Nlocnil.
Once upon a time, YoungPrince rode into the Kingdom of WesVirgin. He wore a white hat and rode a white horse. He saw a terrible thing and it troubled him much. Monster was removing the mountains of this beautiful land of WesVirgin. YoungPrince took WesVirgin under his wing and swore an oath to forever fight against Monster and save the lovely mountains. It was a brave gesture for Monster’s mouth could gobble up an entire mountain in just a few gulps and spit it into the valleys below.
Monster loved money and there was much money hidden under the mountains—more money than even YoungPrince had ever seen. He fretted for the peasants in the valleys below, where the monster’s farts blew their houses from their foundations and its waste discharges flooded their homes. And he fretted for the squirrels and bears and deer and their cousins who had once lived in the beautiful mountains and the lovely valleys. He understood that the mountains and valleys were the source and pride of all life for the Kingdom of WesVirgin. The people were proud that their land was known as the Mountain Kingdom.
YoungPrince proclaimed that the valleys and mountains, the people, the ginseng and the yellow root, the minnows and crawdads and, yes, the salamanders and lizards, must be saved from Monster. He put up signs saying he would defeat Monster. The peasants were happy and put his bumper sticker on their carts. Monster laughed at the innocence of YoungPrince. But Monster was troubled because YoungPrince was rich. More riches would not turn his head. He could not be bought. The monster had a hard time understanding this and reached for the other arrow in his quiver.
At this time in the shire of Nlocnil, named for the famous peasant Honest Eba, HighSheriff was asking the peasants to re-elect him. To split up the votes against him, he persuaded LoyalDeputy to run. YoungPrince was himself running for VeryHighOffice. He donned his white hat and rode a white horse to the shire of Nlocnil. There, YoungPrince met LoyalDeputy. He liked LoyalDeputy and contributed considerable riches to his campaign. This made LoyalDeputy a real candidate with enough filthy lucre to buy all the votes he needed to get his boss’s job. HighSheriff contacted his other opponent, who was also of low character, and gave him a wad of riches to withdraw from the race and yield his votes to HighSheriff. So through this democratic process, HighSheriff was re-elected.
Alas! YoungPrince lost his bid for VeryHighOffice. Monster shared the riches it was digging up with ArchDuke from Upper Panhandle. Old ArchDuke had hatched from the same egg as Monster and preyed on widows. YoungPrince followed the advice of his court counselors and quit denouncing the lying and stealing at the party of the southern shires. And, to calm Monster, he changed his mind about removing mountains. RichYoungPrince then became RichYoungRuler.
In the shire of Nlocnil, there lived a powerful and wily political boss who owned a small carting business. He could sense a fortune to be made. He put RichYoungRuler’s bumper sticker on all of his carts. RichYoungRuler was flattered. He awarded the wily political boss with big carting contracts and appointed him Chairman of all the parties in all parts of WesVirgin. Some folks say RichYoungRuler made Chairman a wealthy man.
Now, the reason RichYoungRuler wanted the wily political boss to be in charge was that in his first try for VeryHighOffice, the Machine in the southern shires sandbagged the inexperienced YoungPrince and used his riches against him to elect ArchDuke, the Monster’s twin. The next election, YoungPrince held his nose and looked the other way while Chairman and his army delivered the votes.
In celebration, RichYoungRuler danced a happy jig with Monster. The beast’s foul breath fell on RichYoungRuler and turned his white hat black as coal.